


The Ultimate Mind Fuck

by ShinSolo



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-07-06
Packaged: 2017-12-17 21:05:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/871953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinSolo/pseuds/ShinSolo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared Joseph Leto suspected something was not right from the moment he opened his eyes.  (Or the day the band woke up to realize they were being controlled by fanfiction writing fangirls).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ultimate Mind Fuck

Jared Joseph Leto suspected something was not right from the moment he opened his eyes; however, he did not know for sure until arms wrapped around his waist from behind and a familiar voice reached his ears.  
  
“Morning, babe,” Matt muttered, pressing his lips to Jared’s throat before the older man had a chance to pull away.  
  
“Gah!”  Jared screamed as he pulled the covers around him to hide his nakedness.  “What the fuck, Matt?!”  
  
Matt blinked a few times and rubbed his eyes.  
  
“Jared-kins?”  What’s wrong with you?”  He asked.  “We’ve been sleeping together for over twelve years now.  You’ve never reacted like this upon waking up before.  Are you feverish?”  
  
“What are you talking about!?  You’re MARRIED!  And I haven’t even known you for twelve years!  Have you lost your fucking mind?” Jared exclaimed, his eyes wide.  “And why the fuck are you talking like that?!  And why I’m at it, why are you even here?  You left the band and flew home back in El Paso!”  
  
Matt blinked a few more times and then looked up at Jared confused.  
  
“Yeah . . . you’re right. . .”  He sat up with a horrified look on his face.  “How the fuck did I get here?  I swear to God, when I went to sleep I was at home . . .” – Matt’s face suddenly changed and he once again shifted back to the love-stricken man he had been when he woke up. – “But you know . . . why I’m here . . . You wanna come over here for a nice good morning fuck?”  
  
“What?!  Are you CRAZY?!”  
  
//Go ahead, humor him.//  
  
“What?  Who said that?!”  Jared said, confused as he looked around the room, but no one was there with him except for Matt.  “Something is NOT right here!”  
  
//Fine, take all the fun out of it.//  
  
The sound of computer keys being rapidly pressed fills Jared’s ears and then the voice once again speaks inside his head.  
  
//You better be happy, cause I’m about to press Ctrl+S.//  
  
“What are you talking about?!!”  Jared screamed at the ceiling.  
  
But before he could receive an answer there was a loud POOF, and when the smoke cleared Matt was completely gone and had been replaced by an equally naked Tim.  
  
“Hello, baby,” He said, blowing Jared a kiss.  
  
“Oh hell no!”  Jared exclaimed, grabbing his pants and a shirt off the floor and stumbling to pull them on as he fled the room.  
  
It took Jared less than a minute to realize that he had no idea where any of the other guys hotel rooms were.  In fact, he knew was about 83% he had been safe and sound in his bunk on the bus when he had fallen asleep and not in a hotel.  Another thing that he found un-nerving was that the hotel he was in looked almost exactly like the hotel where they had shot the video for The Kill.  
  
//Oh, I almost forgot!//  
  
“You almost forgot what?!”  Jared asked, pulling at his hair and looking around the deserted hallway almost frantically.  
  
//This.//  
  
There was another POOF, only this time nobody appeared or disappeared.  Instead, Jared found himself instantly clean-shaven, slightly chubby, and clothed in the same long sleeved shirt and jeans that he had been wearing in the video.  
  
“No!  Not this again!  I’ve already done this!”  He screamed.  “Do you have any idea how long it took me to LOSE all that weight!  Do you have any idea how HARD that was?!”  
  
//For God’s sake, stop your bickering.  I’ll change you back as soon as I’ve had my fun with you, And besides, you’re adorable when you’re a little chubby.//  
  
“Who the hell are you?  And what do you want from me!”  Jared demanded, holding his fists up as if he were threatening to start a fight with the voice in his head.  
  
The voice laughed.  
  
//Your worst nightmare.//  
  
Jared opened his mouth to speak, but before he could he saw movement out of the corner of his eye and the silhouette of someone turning the corner.  
  
“Wait!”  Jared called out as he began to chase after the mystery person, but when he turned the corner he found himself face to face with himself.  “Not this!”  
  
“I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change . . .”  Himself sang as he walked towards him.  
  
“Jared!” Jared screamed at himself, but himself didn’t even seem to notice.  “I know this seems crazy, but you’re me and I need your help!  There is this voice in my head . . and it’s controlling what happens to me!  You’ve got to help me!”  
  
“I know now, this is who I really am inside!”  Himself continued singing and Jared had no choice but to grab himself by the front of his shirt and slam him into the wall.  
  
“Listen to me!”  He screamed even louder than before, but when himself just continued singing he gave up and released him.  “You’re a fucking idiot!  And to think, you were Shannon with my head graphed onto your fucking body!”  
  
//Now, now, Jared.  You know that’s not a very nice thing to say.//  
  
“And you!”  Jared said as he threw a punch at the ceiling with such force that he nearly fell to the ground.  “You leave me the fuck alone!”  
  
//That’s not a very nice thing to say to God you know.//  
  
“What the fuck?!  You’re not God! God wouldn’t try to make me fuck my bass player or put a naked Tim in my bed!!”  
  
//Tisk, Tisk, Mr. Leto.  But you’ve caught me.  I’m not God Almighty, but I am the closest thing to Him as far as you’re concerned.  I’m -clears throat- a slash writer.//  
  
“A what writers?!”  Jared asked quite confused until a conversation he had had with Shannon a few years ago resurfaced in his head – a conversation about stories that so-called fans wrote about the band, stories that often based off of exaggerated rumors, miss-interpreted lyrics, and the notion that the entire band was gay and fucking one another.  “Oh god . .”  
  
//That’s right, dove.  I told you, I’m your worst nightmare.//  
  
Once again, Jared’s ears were flooded with the sound of computer keys and the electric noises that computers make when they are asked to save large data files.  Then another POOF left him standing in the hallway of a different hotel and Tomo giving him one of the strangest looks he had ever seen.  
  
“Oh, thank God it’s you!”  Jared said as he put his arms around the younger man as if the mere act could protect him from the fury of the slash writer.  
  
“Uh, Hephaistion?  I’m not sure what your problem is, but if this is another one of your little practice rehearsals, you can go find Colin or something,” he said as he shoved Jared away from him.  “I’ve been trying to get Solon to answer his phone all day and I still haven’t been able to get a hold of him.  I’m starting to get worried that something might have happened to my poor little baby.”  
  
Jared’s eyes widened, not only from being called Hephaistion, but also from hearing Tomo refer to Solon as HIS poor little baby.  
  
“You’re poor little BABY?”  He repeated, his voice a mixture of terror and disgust. “Tomo!  I know this might be too much for your pot-head mind to contemplate, but it is 2007, I miraculously have Hephaistion hair again, and YOU’VE ONLY MEET SOLON A TOTAL OF THREE TIMES IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!”  
  
Tomo’s mouth hit the floor as he once again shoved Jared away from him.  
  
“How could you!”  Tomo exclaimed, his eyes filling with tears.  “You know that I’m straight edge!  How could you even THINK of calling me a pot-head!”  
  
But this time, instead of freaking out, Jared laughed.  In fact, he laughed so hard he had to lean against the wall just to keep from falling over.  
  
“Nice one!”  He said, his face turned up toward the ceiling once he had caught his breath.  “Real nice one . . . Now can you please do the poof thing again?  I’m standing in the middle of a hotel wearing sandals and a fucking roman tunic!!”  
  
The voice in his head chuckled.  
  
//But your legs are so sexy, my dear.//  
  
“Fuck you!”  
  
//Oh, fine.  I’ll change you back to Modern!Jared.  Will that make you happy?//  
  
“Yes, please!”  Jared said quite exasperated.  
  
//As you wish.//  
  
There was another POOF, but when the smoke cleared, Jared found himself naked in front of a mirror, his hair, jewelry and body shape the identical to his character from the movie Highway.  
  
“This is NOT Modern!Jared!”  He screamed, his hands automatically going down to cover himself.  
  
//Oh, yes . . . I’m sorry about that.  I just couldn’t resist the urge.//  
  
A moment later everything went POOF again, only this time Jared received his actual wish.  
  
“Thank you, very much!”  He snapped, his fingers running over his beard and then through his hair.  “Are you done with me yet?!”  
  
//Not even close, hot stuff.  Now be a good boy and open that door in front of you.  Shannon’s in there.//  
  
And even though every ounce of his common sense told him not to open the door, Jared did it anyways.  
  
“Hey, Jared!”  His brother greeted him when Jared opened the door, but the when Jared laid eyes on him, he automatically wished he hadn’t.  
  
Shannon stood in front of him dressed head-to-to in women’s clothing and a full face of make-up.  
  
“Do you like?”  He asked Jared as he spun around in a circle to show his brother the back of the green sequined evening gown he wore, the silver glitter in his three inch high heels reflecting the dim light of the hotel room.  
  
“Take it off.  Now!”  Jared demanded, furious over the fact that the bitch who was controlling his life had fucked with his brother.  
  
“Oh, you want me to take it off, do you?”  Shannon said with a seductive giggle, assuming that Jared’s words had been directed toward him.  “I always knew that I would one day get the notorious three-legged-Leto in my bed.”  
  
Jared paled as bile rose in his throat causing him to throw up a bit in his mouth.  He choked, his hands flying up to his throat as he fought off the urge to puke his guts up and swallow.  
  
“I am so NOT fucking you, Shannon!  And besides, you of all people should know I stuff!”  Jared said, his eyes widening as he looked up at the ceiling.  “What?!  Now you’re putting words in MY mouth?!”  
  
//Now, how could I resist adding in a comment as nifty as that one?//  
  
“Fuck you!”  Jared screamed at the voice in his head.  
  
“My pleasure!”  Shannon said as he moved toward Jared as if to kiss him, but Jared quickly pushed his hands out to prevent Shannon from getting any closer.  
  
“Think about what you’re saying, Shannon!  You’re my brother!”    
  
Shannon blinked a few times, and then his eyes cleared and his hand covered over his mouth when he realized what he had just said.  
  
“Oh, My God!”  He exclaimed.  “Why the fuck did I say that, Jared?!  I . . What am I WEARING?!”  
  
“A dress,” Jared answered as he put his arms around his brother in a hug, burying his face in his chest and crying.  “Please . . just make it all stop . . .”  
  
//Now THAT’s what I’m talking about!  Letocest!//  
  
“Leto . . . wha?”  Jared muttered as he looked up at the ceiling, rubbing his tears from his eyes.  
  
//Letocest, Jared – as in, Leto + Incest.//  
  
Tears once again began to form in Jared’s eyes.  
  
“No!”  He pleaded.  “Anything but, Letocest!”  
  
//No! You will obey me!//  
  
There was another POOF, and the whole room suddenly began to grow around the brothers as they shrunk down the about the size of a couple of ants.  And then, before Jared could protest, a jar came down on top of them, trapping them.  
  
//Ah!!  I did it!!  I caught the Leto’s in a jar!!//  
  
Jared jumped up and down, screaming something at the voice in his head but he was too small for it to be heard.  
  
//What’s that, Jared?  Hold on, let me fix your voice so I can hear you.//  
  
“I said, Let us out!  We didn’t do ANYTHING to you!  Why do you keep torturing me!”  Jared screamed from inside the jar.  
  
There was the sound of a sheet of paper being torn from a notebook, and then the sheet of paper was shoved under the jar so the Letos had to jump to keep from tripping over the end of it.  Then the entire jar flipped over, causing the brothers to tumble to the other end.  
  
//Do you want air-holes?//  
  
“What?!”  Jared and Shannon asked at the same time, their eyes wide as they held onto one another out of sheer terror.  
  
//I’ll take that as a yes.//  
  
A top was placed on top of the jar, spun around until it was securely sealed, and then a knife came down on the top of the jar a couple of times, piercing small holes in the aluminum top.  Then everything went quiet.  
  
“Now what?”  Shannon asked, his voice small and scared.  
  
“I don’t know . . .” Jared whispered, as if speaking louder would make things worse than they already were.  
  
Shannon sniffed the air and the looked around.  
  
“Do you smell . . . popcorn?”  He asked his younger brother.  
  
Jared smelled the air and then nodded.  
  
“Yeah . . . I do?” Jared said slowly as he went to the glass of the jar and cupped his hands to it in an attempt to see out.  “My god . . . There’s a whole MOVIE THEATER full of them – WATCHING US!”  
  
“What?!”  Shannon exclaimed as he pressed his face against the glass as well.  
  
“I’m serious!  Look!”  Jared said as he pointed.  “Ah!!  That’s her!!”  
  
“Who?”  
  
“The voice I’ve been hearing in my head!!  Look!  That’s Shin!!”  Jared shouted.  “Oh, and look!  That one!  The one brining Shin popcorn, that’s Make_Graves!!”  
  
//Oh!  I was wondering when you would recognize us!//  
  
“Let us out!”  Jared demanded again even though he knew it was no use.  
  
//You want out?//  
  
“Yes!” Jared and Shannon screamed at the same time.  
  
//Then you have two options.  You can either fuck one another and give all of us eager slash writers something to drool over, or you can beat me in a  -drum roll- FIC OFF!//  
  
“A Fic-Off?!”  Jared and Shannon asked at the same time.  
  
//Yes, a Fic-Off.  Look in your pocket.//  
  
Jared reached into his pocket and pulled out an entire spiral bound notebook, complete with a Pilot PerciseGRIP Red 1.0 Liquid Flow pen.  
  
“How the hell . . .” he said in awe.  
  
//Never doubt the power of a slash writer.//  
  
Jared looked up at the girl who was peering into the jar with a magnifying glass as intently as a child would watch an ant farm.  
  
//Well?  Are you going to write your way out of this or not?//  
  
The brothers looked at one another for a moment before Jared sat down on the bottom of the jar and opened the notebook to a blank sheet of paper.  
  
“What do I write?”  He asked Shannon, chewing on the end of the pen.  
  
“Well . . . If what they write alters our lives, then maybe what you write will alter their lives?”  Shannon suggested as he sat down next to Jared.  “And if that’s the case, write them somewhere else and out of our lives.”  
  
Jared nodded, nervously pressed the tip of the pen to the paper, and wrote.  
  
 _Once upon a time, there was a group of slash writers who were completely obsessed with controlling Lindsey Lohan’s life – NOT JARED AND SHANNON LETO’S LIVES.  They did not know Jared or Shannon, and they loved to make Lindsey’s life a living hell._  
  
Once he had written those words, he recapped the pen and closed the notebook.  The moment the notebook closed, there was a loud POOF and the movie theater and all of the slash writers vanished.  
  
Jared shrieked happily as he threw his arms around Shannon.  
  
“They’re gone!  They’re gone!  Oh, thank God, Shannon.  They’re gone!”  He exclaimed as he cried out of pure relief.  
  
Shannon happily hugged his brother back, glad he had been successful, but then he noticed the they were still inside the glass jar and that the slash writers who had put them there had completely vanished.  
  
“That’s great, Jared,” he said nervously.  “But now . . . How do we get out of this jar?”  
  
“Oh . . . Shit. . .”

**Author's Note:**

> Written 03/09/2007.


End file.
